Trying not to like someone I want to be close friends with, but he’s just great. Everything feels comfortable with him, unexpectedly. Everything is….easy. No, I don’t want this. I’m going to come down off my biochem exam high on Monday by hitting on the very cute, very tall one who has been hiding in the back of physiology with a hoodie. I don’t want any feelings in this particular mix. That’s all I can say. It’s very confusing for me. This is new. Didn’t expect this one.
And maybe I should stop listening to Ariana Grande’s amazing songs. Make you fall in love with damn air.
I just came here to scribble that It’s Okay That’s Love has to be one of the most…uniquely written dramas I’ve seen. It was full of surprises from beginning to end, with little to no room for annoying cliches. It had a real plot other than the romance which made it all the more dramatic. And might I just say, after That Winter the Wind Blows, Jo In Sung has blown me away yet again. Very talented man. And Gong Hyo Jin too! I’ve loved her for a long time now, especially after Master’s Sun, but this was an amazing display of her skill.
That is all. Lo
I realize that sometimes I underestimate my academic capabilities, and my looks, and my overall compassion. I’m actually not always evil. But, I do seem to frequently overestimate my ability with guys, and how strong some of my relationships are with people. My goal other than doing well in all of my classes this year? Flirt as much as possible in as much of a class way as possible. I’m going to die a spinster with like 10 dogs all named after things that end in [-ee] at any other rate, which is just unacceptable. I’ve seen guys here, I’m just nervous about approaching them because….let’s be honest, how frequently do Asian men approach black women. I’m almost always interested in someone eastern Asian or European these days. But it’s a stretch, no? Aren’t we always perceived as hostile or ghetto, and get thrown shade because of our hair? I know all men aren’t like that at all. But I don’t see very much intermingling here, and I would hate to try and strike up a conversation with someone and have them look at me like I’m sort sort of crazy person. It was a bit different in the city because things are more commonly accepted here. I’ll just have to make much more of an effort here. I saw one guy in my physio class who I will be making an attempt to recruit into some sort of studying because that’s the only way I know how to take a conversation outside of a classroom. Just got to figure out how to sit in his vicinity. Hmm. But seriously, I can’t have ten dogs. And in a few years, I’m going to want someone else to do the dishes,too and I’m not talking about a roommate. I’m awesome. Where is my awesome person?
Rebekah’s hormones & Empty side of the bed
P.S. The force is with me. (caffeine)
I have once again hopped off the bandwagon, running after a trail of starbucks espresso. I’m wired and I kind of love it. I don’t care how shitty I feel tomorrow. I feel great right now, and when I bother to focus on work, I’m really good at it. I even bought a bag of starbucks home and had them grind it in store. Yes, I’m proud of myself for that.
We keep breaking up and making up, but from now on, I love you and I don’t care. I will be dedicated to you. I will own up to a happy addiction. I don’t care. I’ll thank God for my coffee as I drink it everyday. Yes. I bought some blonde roast and I’m so excited to throw that bad boy into my french press tomorrow. I probably won’t go to sleep tonight because I’m so wired, but I’m totally okay with that. And I’m actually really happy to be up right now. When I study in these wee hours, the material really goes in and stays there. My brain just clings to it better when the world around me is completely quiet.
I’m also very distracted right now. I’m watching a drama. Yes, I will regret this, but right now I don’t care.
It’s starring the new love of my life, Jung Jin Woon.
Seriously, I’ve been so loyal to Kim Woo Bin, but after a year of being into kdramas and whatnot, he’s officially been knocked out of the number one spot. This post is seriously being written, at 1am mind you, after reviewing structures of different amino acids, that Jung Jin Woon is the epitome of my fangirling dreams.
And now, a picture, just to show you, he’s worth the craze.
Spotted, cute guy in my psych/neuro class. Will be rearranging my seating next week.
Noticed, the guy who I met on the ride up to Buff, who I’ve hung out with and texted since, his eyes are brown. And he looks really weird with the ‘college guy’ scruff.
Epiphany, I don’t know how to study effectively anymore. Must work on that. Need good grades this year to start medical school next year.
Food for Thought. Also, getting out my daily write jitters. I’m getting them more and more. I find putting my thoughts somewhere that I can see them, laid out, helps alot. Even if it is just me talking about…guys…and school. But school is really my life right now, so I’m not completely to blame.
Also, January trip to Korea? Cancelled. Trying to do it in May. I’ll have to go by myself, but the other circumstances will work out to my benefit.
I realize what I look forward to most in getting my own apartment is being as neurotic as I want to be. That’s all I’ve been able to think about. All my cabinet space. All of my fridge space. The one thing I can’t control is loud neighbors.
Here’s how I know my menses is coming.
I logged onto facebook.
I saw a smiling face of my cousin with an arm around her boyfriend and the word married somewhere and immediately flew into hysteria, which subsequently turned to tears.
Sees update about R. Westbrook getting engaged.
Thinking about my cousin getting married 2 years ago and my not having flown to Florida for the wedding.
Asks God why haven’t I had any good fortune in this field? What dirty contract did I sign to give up a love life for the pursuit of a career? Looks around hopelessly.
Definitely said out loud that I’m going to die alone….watching korean dramas.
Looks at some more pictures, sees video of the proposal. Damn, they’re really cute together. I feel happiness for her. Oh, it’s actually not jealousy?
Still feeling bad about myself.
And then I decided to come write about my feelings on here.
I’m a bit better than I was when I last posted. I’ve come to realize that when I allow myself to be isolated and am not given the same level of accessibility, my academics are top notch. So, as I sit in this boring little apartment in Buff and start going over my schedule of exams for the semester, I realize that it may benefit me to be here. I’ll develop better study techniques and habits. And what I may takeaway from this is that it may be extremely beneficial to me to move further out from Brooklyn (aka Queens as I previously suggested, where I would be driving to and from school) while I’m in medical school so all of the distractions in Bk and Manhattan aren’t as accessible to me. Food for thought.
I cooked some Korean inspired dish. I can’t call it an actual Korean dish because I didn’t follow a recipe and used some vegetables that aren’t traditionally included in Korean food. It was steak with vegetables that was cooked with gochujang. Came out pretty good. I told my dongsaeng (the guy I met here on my way to Buffalo who I’ve kept in contact with) about it. I told him about my plans to go to Korea, too. Even those are seriously under thought because the idea of parting with so much money for a week of vacation is becoming more and more difficult for me.
I’ve been in my apartment here alone because my roommate went off to Ferguson, MO to protest this weekend. I realize from being here by myself, that I may actually like living by myself. Completely. I do well by myself. And I have the final say over everything when I’m alone. I’ll look into that. I’ll just make sure to do more research on the area that I’m moving into. Did not research this neighborhood and I surely do regret it. A lot of ignorant, unemployed, criminally inclined people in this area. And that’s a nice way of putting it. Been here about 10 days and already I’ve seen police on my street and witnessed the aftermath of a theft.
I realized that I probably won’t have any luck with guys or anything this year, but I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I can accept that and not be bothered too much by it. There are cute guys in my psych class that I’ll appreciate as my weekly eye candy. And there are a few cuties in my physiology class even though I probably won’t be paying any attention to them seeing as it’s physio. But that will be the extent of my viewing. I don’t plan on partying this year since I’ve never been one to party. And I will be cooking and baking a lot so I cant truly learn to excel with providing for myself. I mean, I came here for a sort of preview year prior to medical school, and I hope to get the most out of it. I need to pick up a rhythm so that when I get to medical school I don’t struggle with issues like time management and course load. Now it’s just a matter of doing it. This year will be the perfect opportunity to do it, too. Looking through my schedule I’ve got exams almost every other week, if not back to back, with anywhere between 1 and 4 exams per week, with one particular day of 3 scheduled exams. Hoping for a freak blizzard on that day.
And these, in some form or another, are my thoughts.
Currently, temporarily delaying some reading for biochemistry while streaming some usopen tennis.